Confessions from the heart

one useful thing out of this class

2006-04-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

When I ask you to listen to me,

And you start giving me advice,

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask that you listen to me,

And you begin to tell me that I shouldn't feel that way,

You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me,

And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen; all I ask that you do is listen,

Not talk or do - just hear me.

When you do something for me,

That I need to do for myself,

You contribute to my fear and feelings of inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact

That I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,

Then I can quit trying to convince you,

And go about the business

Of understanding what's behind my feelings.

So, please just listen and hear me

And, if you want to talk,

Wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.

no time for anything

2006-04-05T00:33:00.000-04:00

i can't believe its been so long since i vented on this

entering april

what a month. so busy don't even know where to begin.

oh and... reading old blogs stir old memories.

rub salt in the wound why don't ya

2006-02-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

:(

there are no words right now.

why do things annoy me?

2006-02-18T16:59:00.000-05:00

i have come to the conclusion ... that the littlest things can be extremely annoying.

take for example... coming home from an exam, wanting nothing but to sleep after cramming all night ... and yet roommates' incessant LOUD talking... ANNOYING

LOUD phone conversations just outside my room door (which if you've seen my room... tiny a lil box) this too .... ANNOYING

channel flipping ... when there is already a good show on ... ANNOYING

best friend not talking to you for days and then asking you what was on an exam that she's writing the make up for............. ANNOYING

chalk it up to hormones... or God knows what else ... ugh

lets talk

2006-02-11T18:32:00.000-05:00

today's horoscope:

"It's easier to appreciate the gift of life when all is going smoothly, but that enlightened perspective gets easily lost when we find ourselves swamped by hard times. Keep sight of the beauty and magic that exists in your world. They will lead you to the success you so richly deserve. "

I am now slowly repairing a torn relationship, and learning that its hard to accept that some things just are, or just aren't. No explanation, just acceptance.

focus on the positive

2006-02-09T00:10:00.000-05:00

hmm

i'm alive, i have friends and family who love and care about me.

right now i'm going to remember this and be thankful... b/c other than this nothing else is going right, nothing. and i really don't feel like throwing a self-pity party ... i am grateful for what i do have

sometimes you can't go back

2006-02-06T00:38:00.000-05:00

sometimes we just need closure, we need to have answers to our questions, we need to know where we went wrong, what happened, and why...

i finally got that, well maybe a part of it. 2 hrs of fighting, well not real fighting but unpleasant dealing with issues... and i can honestly say i'm still as confused as ever, but at least maybe now I can put this all behind me. I realize now more than ever that sometimes things just don't work out because of circumstances. Everything's always changing.

In my own words, i am f*cked up. my head, my emotions, have been toyed with and there's really not much i can do. It used to be that I just never opened up, add to that .. now I no longer trust. I'm not pitying myself, I do take part of the blame ..

the saddest realization from all of this...... sometimes you just can't go back

got an interview!!

2006-01-31T23:44:00.000-05:00

i'm soo excited right now. and scared at the same time.

I really want this job this summer but I'm scared of living here alone in the summer, it'll be different that's for sure.... but a step in the right direction for my future. Hopefully all goes well

crossing my fingers

one of those days

2006-01-26T19:38:00.000-05:00

heart and stroke this morning was great! nice to do things that matter sometimes, and now i'm going to be doing community presentations which i am so excited about!

I dropped off my resume today for the summer studentship and am crossing my fingers... i really want this job if i can get it. Just being at victoria hospital reaffirmed that itswhat i want to do i want to work helping ppl and i am not going to, will NOT settle for anything else... i will not.

on a positive note!

2006-01-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

so I know, most of my posts are vents

but today although i'm not 100% happy, I had an amazing weekend with friends, a lil healthy roadtrip to escape the reality that is...

we were silly
we were crazy
we were spontaneous
and we had a blast

pretending to have a bachelorette party and doing a "scavenger hunt" was soo much fun. I can't believe how much fun we had. It was priceless.

I also just finished reading one of the chapters of my thanatology class and although its a really hard subject to deal with its so interesting, it intrigues me so much. At the same time, it takes a lot out of me, but i just feel like the nurse who's sharing her stories, the lives that she has touched, the work she has done. She's done so much selflessly for others, and I can only hope to have that great of an effect on the lives of others. Compassion, and love seem to be all too rare sometimes. I hope that even though this course is extremely difficult for me, b/c i'm pretty much confronting my personal fear, death, i hope i walk away with a better healthier perspective.

so this is life...

2006-01-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

decisions:

where to live next year

where to work this summer

stay in london, or move back home

what to declare on my intent to register next year

and add on creating job searching, resume refining, studying,and sooooSICKKKKKKKKKKKK
today i am allowed to complain, called mama and cried to her........

drained

2006-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

emotionally, physically, mentally .... wooooo bring on Term 2 ....

2006-01-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

feeling like nothing i do is ever good enough

Its a New Year... 2006 baby ... new motto: no more ms. nice girl

2006-01-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to write about the ringing in of this year, and well ... I think i'm just going to leave it. Last year ended rather sadly, learning some info that hurt me but that I was bound to find out eventually, so perhaps its better I found it out in the "old" year, and now I can truly say goodbye to the two people who have hurt me more then they realize....

new year = new slate, i rang it in with people I love , and had an amazing time. I will leave it at that, some things are going to stay in that night, and never be mentioned again, but the memory I have is amazing and I love it, and all the people I spent it with. They truly are ppl who keep me going at times :).

To start on a nice note, I just came across this, and it seems appropriate, a lil scripture to start off on the right note

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Me and mel have a new pact, to not be nice girls anymore, we are going to not allow ourselves to be walked all over. Let's hope it works :) Happy New Year 2006...... without hope, there is nothing.

so this is christmas

2005-12-26T18:40:00.000-05:00

Oh Christmas.... i love seeing the family, and though its hectic here and alot of running around getting stuff ready. At the end of the day its worth it. Nothing makes me happier than to spend time with my family especially when i'm away from them so much. My neice is growing up sooo much... and who would've thought... she went to school with the Saugeen Slut!! omg that made for some interesting christmas table chit chat, a bunch of europeans commenting about it.... wow. Anyways all in all a great nite, and I busted out the camera in my usual fashion. I just love how at Christmas you put things aside and just try to be happy, for my fam its quite a feat but even we can manage to do it, for the most part anyways.

The other nite we went out to celebrate Krystal's 21st bday, and we'll be doing it again tuesday, i'm soo excited! But it was soo much fun, like the place was dead but we had a great time i loved it! Can't wait for new years... and ringing in the new and saying goodbye to the old!

Still have to deal with unfinished business between Mr. man and me... but check it out.. gotta love coming home to messages like these:

"i dont know why you go so pissed on the phone but we need to talk and hang out over the break"

sure buddy... sure and what if i don't want to? like no offense to him but he's got to stop telling me how it is, like the same statement, but with a suggestive tone, rather than a demanding one would be much better... i mean really, this is just like him telling me i should wait months for him to come home, put my life on hold, wanna order me around some more? i will deal with him on my own terms, i do love him, unfortunately, i've come to learn that sometimes that just isn't enough.

great week ahead though just being lazy and getting together with friends while we can. Its going to be awesome

just be good to see your smile...

2005-12-23T13:26:00.000-05:00

"just be good to see your smile..."

little does he know... i have nothing to smile about. He'd be seeing tears roll down my face and all because of him

---------feeling defeated--------

2005-12-21T00:26:00.000-05:00

seriously

i dunno what has happened, but this exam period hell has been hell, i don't think my exams could be going any worse... and pharm/tox 8 hrs away now, and i have yet to read over my notes hahhahahahahaha i'm laughing, cause honestly not much more i can do.

i gotta love my schedule, and i gotta love the lack of sleep. home tomorrow thank God. see some old faces, say bye to dave, and hang out with the girls and everyone and just have it be like old times, get some rest, sort out some things with ppl that i've left on the backburner that i didnt want to deal with during exams. honestly... staying at 136 with deirdre and chantelle these past couple days was soo good for my mental health. and maybe after my exam tomorrow i'll blog about it, but for now.....

back to me.... and me books......... One on One. let's get'er done!! i am soo awake at this time its crazy, i think the solution is......... no sleep, write the exam, drinks with kelly and fellow pharm/toxers, and HOME SWEET HOME!

exams

2005-12-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

so just wrote phys 314a ... definitely one of the toughest exams i've written since i've been here. so mentally draining in fact that after i finished, rereading the questions, i could barely keep myself from drifting off into space.

this is craziness, it seems like the things we go through, but just 4 more days of this, i think i can deal

realizing now that phys 312 is much more massive than i could've ever imagined... somehow i have less than 42 hrs to pull it off :( i hope some greater being is routing for me... because it seems next to impossible.

ahhhhhhhhhh the stress. i'm stressed, but i'm more tired. just can't wait for christmas and home, and no worries

i think i'm caving now, that exam just left me so mentally exhausted. i will wake up really early, 5 seems reasonableand get to it... i feel soo screwed :(

home sweet home

2005-12-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

or is it?

if i'd had the time to write something earlier i'd say that being home is awesome, i miss my family so much, and though we're quite a crazy family, its been nice to be home, and around non-stress inducing crazy studying kids at school.

however, leave it to the bro to screw it up... honestly i love him i do, but he's so f*cking self serving sometimes, i'd like one just one convo with my parents without him and his stupid comments. I don't care that he has no concern for me or what i'm doing ... cause everythings always about him and how everything affects him, but just leave me be... like i'm having a convo, why storm in and pretty much end it. i see my rents maybe once a month or every two months, like he lives with them... i don't get to talk to them ever, and why the need to go and ruin it... i just wanna be like get over yourself! seriously... who the heck gets stuck with 4 of em?!?!, i'm reminded yet again of some of the reasons why i moved away

its the little things that count

2005-12-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

well today was... a needed day i think. it was basically a day centered on others and impt people in my life.

started out shopping... gosh i hate shopping, especially when its bday shopping and i have no idea what ppl want, buying gifts for roomies, lil brother, my lil buddy and others. Its soo hard, and i always break the bank. I was semi successful got most of what i needed, i think for my lil bro though i will take him out or get him something when i'm home b/c its too hard to find what i want here

but today was my last day with my buddy for the break. Rodolfo is soo cute, and he has come such a long way. I can't believe he's gone from not knowing his alphabet to reading/writing the improvement in a few short months, just a couple hours a week with him, makes it all worth while. I am amazed each time, he has such enthusiasm, he is such a lil cutie. He liked the brain quest i got him, and although its above his level right now, i'm sure he'll work to achieve it by april hopefully i can help him catch up so he's nearer the level of his classmates, but even if not, i think he's come such a long way and i am grateful for that! its so nice to go and do something like that and take my mind off this hell that i call life at school here... i mean i do love it but sometimes i need an out and these lil things help me....

anyways back to studying, and my periodic breaks with cory, i swear he has helped me through so much, such a good friend... i can always count on him to pick me up, always. today he said i was "nice in a pixie-dust magical" kind of way ... too cute.

its that time again

2005-12-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

exams

the word... just makes me sick ... i wanna vomit when i think of them

today first one... thought it went great, haha then i checked my notes ... booerns

here's hoping i actually did well and didn't screw up the way i think i did... and parkinsons disease and relating to gait ataxia, man i should've known that but our notes only say its referring to basal ganglia and blah blah blah so i guess we'll have to see what actually was right for that

honestly just want an A... thats all i want an A. lets hope i got it

YAY friday home for a week... a study week none the less, but it'll be nice to be home!!

2005-12-04T23:49:00.000-05:00

todays horoscope:

Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)
Your self-image is being affected by other people's impressions of you. Rethink that.

interesting

...

2005-12-04T01:01:00.000-05:00

lets hope this next week is better than the last. thank god the guys from upstairs came to visit tonite, they are great guys and cheer me up always, i actually needed that huge tonite... get my mind off things.

exams are a reality. monday nite. i have tomorrow libs to pull myself together... and new vow... i'll deal with my issues with ppl post exams, that's it... msn will be off i don't even care i can't keep doing this to myself. MSN = great concept, b/c its the awesomest way to keep in touch, but honestly whats with the obsessive compulsive need to always be "reachable" sometimes it'd be nice not to be!

anyways ... essay to finish for tomorrow

in the zone...

2005-12-02T00:36:00.000-05:00

in the "study" zone... is where i should be... haha thats not seeming to work right now, and funny thing is i know myself too well, i know what its going to take to take my mind off everything... no msn. its sad, but true... honestly not a good thing if not for msn though it'd be so hard to keep in touch with everyone, especially ppl from home, and i gotta keep that always.

tonite i'm missing mister. kinda sad, b/c he really shouldnt be entering my thought processes after everything, but i do miss him, and maybe i shouldn't try to come across as if i dont, the last thing i want to do is fight, and it seems its all we've been doing the odd times that we do talk, so better to leave it alone i think is what we're both doing, its sad though cause i feel like i'm missing a great friend. It would be nice to go back, change things but i do believe things happen for reasons, and so i leave it alone. he's the one who said i avoid things... and i denied it at the time, and realize now that he's right, i do avoid things because i feel it will make it easier, it has definitely been the wrong thing to do.

but that garbage aside, tomorrow and this weekend i have to get my butt in gear, 3 weeks lie ahead, 3 grossly disgusting sleepless, caffeine-driven weeks of crazy synaptic firing in my brain. I just gotta get through it... i for once have the onset of a great year, i have to "green dot" all this BS on the side and get into the zone, like this summer ... i'll do it just maybe i needed to cut myself some slack this week... hopefully i can do this...

so much has changed... one short year

2005-12-01T02:04:00.000-05:00

with the anniversary looming, its hard to not look back, and see how much has changed this past year... i don't think i would have ever expected that life would be so different...

a year ago, my best friend and i still spoke, i'd like to think that i helped her through alot of the first year after her mom's death. I couldn't do much, but i was there for her... I was the first phone call she made when she passed, i tired everything, did everything i could to help her through it. she was like a sister to me... a year ago that hadn't changed... but now it all has... i feel like i lost a sister, a best friend in the past year, and i don't quite know if either of us really know why... you know when you just let time slip by and pretend that nothings wrong, and days without talking become weeks, and then months... and now a year later, i sit here wondering how we could have let that happen.

some might say, it happens, that its a part of growing up, but it doesn't change it, it doesn't make it any less sad, i feel like that's just a sad excuse for letting things slide. and i'm mad at myself for letting that happen. Is it fixable? who knows. i sit here wondering tonite how to extend my sympathies properly, even wondered if it were right to at all... i always worry what people will think, my actions are usually with the best intention i just never know how ppl will read into them, if at all... often they are taken for granted ... a lesson i am slowly learning

i've been told many a time -not to care- ... but what seems to some to be such an easy thing for some to do, comes at a great effort on my part... my way of not caring is to find other ways to preoccupy myself so as not to think about it. I do it in relationships, i do it in friendships and it is quite a bad habit. as i've learned yet again this past month, sometimes leaving things unresolved for too long is not a good thing....

i have become a cynic.

in my life it's quite evident the effort that i put into maintaining my relationships and friendships with ppl i care about and love, and the lack of effort on some peoples parts to show any sign of caring in return. I used to just try and try... but i've realized that I can only hurt so much... and thus a protective shield surrounds my heart, i find it hurts a lot less... and yet me sitting here and typing this out, i'm thinking to myself what the heck has happened to me and why i can't just suck it up the way i used to ....

this past year has taught me that people come and go in our lives... my relationships and friendships both hold this statement true.... and the one constant is perhaps the same feeling at the end of the day wondering what more i could do, what i could do better... how i could make them understand that my "avoidance" of things has only been to make it easier... to avoid the fighting, to avoid the real issues, to avoid having people hurt... everyone moves ... life moves on, its how we move on, and what we take away from all of it that makes us who we are...

so what can i take away...? i wish i knew

here goes

2005-11-30T21:11:00.000-05:00

never saw myself as a blogger...
but here goes ... truth is no time to write it all out and yet i gotta get it out

blog started sadly cause i have so much going on right now that i can't bring myself to deal with people, i'd like to think i'm a good person but there are some ppl who on a consistent basis make me feel that i'm not ... i feel like i'm constantly being punished for things i have done (and yet i know, and my true friends remind me that i have done nothing wrong) i've been broken down so many times that i don't know how much i can take especially when it comes from ppl i care about more than they could possibly ever know

this song suits me today, i feel like i've messed up, i just wish i knew why or how

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...